Leah: I Swore I’d Make It Up to Them
Mom: Hey kids, guess what? The 4th of July is coming up. Isn’t that exciting!
Kid 1: Hooray! I love the 4th of July. Can we barbecue?
Kid 2: Yeah, and have another water balloon fight?
Kid 1: Oh, and will Dad make his homemade ice cream!?
Kid 2: We can camp out in the back yard and stay up late and eat all the junk food we want!
Both kids (with ferver): The 4th of July is the best day EVEEEERRRRRR!!!
Mom: Actually guys, we’re going to a wedding. Not just any wedding, but a real stuffed shirt, silk table linens, fancy schmancy, just-be-quiet-for-these-two-hours-and-you-can-have-a-puppy type wedding.
~ stunned silence~
~ more stunned silence~
Kid 1: Uh…do we really get a puppy?
Mom: No, I was just saying that for illustrative purposes. You’ll basically get nothing. I don’t even think their custom has cake…
~even more stunned silence~
Mom: But hey, we’ll be back in time for fireworks. We could sit on the neighbor’s still burning hot roof again and watch Stadium of Fire.
Kid 2: Can we go inside and see Hannah Mon…
Mom: No. Those tickets sold out on November 24th, 1992: one day after Miley Cyrus was born because the matter of the Universe actually rippled and the DNA of all humans was altered in such a way that they had to compulsively line up at 2 am in order to *hopefully* get back row balcony seats. We could go out on the *hopefully* wet grass, *hopefully* next to those redneck drunks from last year who loudly declared after every firework “This must be the grand finale!” and belched and spilled Miller Light in my hair. Wasn’t that fun!?!
~stunned silence~
Kid 1: (trance-like whisper) a weddiiiiingggg…
Kid 2: (with glazed over eyes) noooo caaaake…
Mom: Kids??? KIDS???? NOOOOO!!!!!! With Achey-Breaky Heart as my witness, I will, someday, somehow, make it up to you! Please, children, come back! Can you hear me!?! Please!! I’m so sorry! (heavy sobbing) I should never have…(more sobbing) Forgive me! Baby! (panic sobbing) Can you hear me! I swear I’ll make it up to you. I’ll MAKE IT UP TO YOU!!! (sob sob sob)